maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2009-05-16 11:54 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)


So, in the wake of my post about family and all of it's fuzzy wuzzy benefits, it seems my sister didnt like what I had to say. Fair enough. It may have been harsh, but it's the truth, and it's something that doesn't get a lot of air time in this family. So, she promptly unfriended me from facebook and livejournal. Which I thought was kind of funny. Then her friend proceeded to hop onto FB, hands madly flailing at the keyboard to deliver me this;

"I want you to know that you're sister is one of the best people I've ever met and you are nothing more then an immature little snot who can not and will never appreciate those close to you that love you and want only the best things out of life for you. That being said there's no point in responding to this because you are off my friends list and I will not acknowledge you again."

Yeah. I'm the immature one.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2009-02-17 05:09 pm
Entry tags:

[i wish i was a] :: FLY ON THE WALL ::

I feel like a gigantic failure. Just in general.

Im sucking at school, doing badly on tests, floundering on assignments. I have no hope whatsoever in photoshop. Im going to have to come in some saturday where its an open lab all day and just work for hours. I have several outstanding essays to get in, plus several due dates coming up. I asked my teachers if there was any assignments I could do for extra marks and they said no. So I just have to do perfect on everything.

Which, of course, is a problem given my no internet thing. I cant keep going to second cup and buying five dollar teas for a few hours of itnernet. I might as well pay 30 a month and get portable wifi. 'cause I can afford it.

Im going through some sort of motionof things. I've been hanging out a lot at the comic book store, and Im friends with several of the guys there. However, the one who works there, Mints, is expressing a more-than-friendly desire that I just dont reciprocate. He has pretty much clearly said that he just wants to sleep with me. Which, no. Just no.

Will did horrible irreparable things to my self esteem. I dont think I can be with anyone ever again, much less someone who just wants to fuck and go. Im not that kind of person. Done and done.

I feel sub human.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2009-02-07 12:13 pm
Entry tags:

[new clouds to wrap my] :: HEAD :: [around]


Did you know that it is utterly impossible to function in real life without the internet? The two worlds have been so tightly intwined, that without internet access, you are utterly fucked.

Like me.

I cant get assignments done without the internet. I cant submit them without the internet. I cant contact anyone without it. Im so screwed, its hard to believe. I feel like I might as well drop out now because a month without home internet access will put me so far behind, I might as well just forget an education untill next year.

On top of my crippling lack of internet, I have to deal with stupid stalker kid. He just pops up all "Hey, I stalked you here." And despite me telling him multiple times to stop, he continues to pester me. The other day, I was eating lunch, had the phone to one ear and a headphone in my other, and he just sits right down, insisting that he'll wait for me to get off the phone. I tell him to leave, he says he'll wait. I tell him I'll be a while, and he says he's just going to go get some food. As soon as he is out of my eyesight, I get up and tour out of the caf, unfortunately, the wrong way, so I have to navigate the basement to the other side of the cafeteria, whereupon I go to security.

I tell Security Man Mike about a few of the incicidents with this kid, and he takes me across the hall to the guidance councillors. We arrange that I'll come back after my test to tell them what has been going on. Instead of going back through cafeteria where I would have most certainly been accosted, I took the elevator to the fourth floor, and found my teacher. I explained to her that I didnt want to have to fend this guy off, and could I walk with her through the caf. She says thats fine, and gets her stuff ready. We walk down stairs, and through the caf. The class is just on the other side of it. I sit down outside the class and the teacher tells me that she just has to go to the bathroom. I turn to one of my friends, Amanda, and start to explain that I've been having a problem with a stalker and within seconds of the teacher leaving, he swoops in from around the corner.

He had clearly followed us through the caf and waited for the teacher to go. He's all "You bailed on lunch" And I go "Yeah. I had somewhere to be." Then he goes on to say we can hang out then, so I tell him no, I've got class. He insists, then doubtfully asks if he should go. I tell him yes. He says he'll email me later.

During my meeting with the guidance councillor, I explained that this had been going on since about mid-november. He first followed me out to the bus stop and harassed me a bit thee, despite my obvious discomfort, and that he had been popping up ever since. I told her that he has repeatedly asked me out on dates and I've politely, firmly and rudely told him that I dont date. I've asked him several times to leave me alone and to stop telling me that he stalked me places. Councillor lady told me to change my e-mail. Sorry, but thats not happening. I have an emotional attatchment to the e-mail Im using.

I told her that he usually takes me by surprise because I often have my headphones on and even if I dont, I dont pay attention to the people around me. She tells me to keep my headphones off or turn the music down. It doesnt matter. My headphones are high quality and block out noise without even being on. We called the police and I told them thsituation. Penny the Police Officer said that they cant do much, and to try to get his name internally before they can give him a warning. So I gave security Man Mike that I have his e-mail and his first name, and that he told me his program once but I was in fight or flight mode, so I didnt quite cog it.

My personal e-mail appears on my ocas account and Im pretty sure on my school profile, and since he's using his rpg e-mail to actively harass me, there is probably a good chance that he is using it with ocas. So Security Man Mike tells me they'll give it to IT and see what can be done about it.

Instead of going to my last class, I just had a security man escourt me to my locker, then back down out to the bus station. There was no event after that, and now I need to figure out this kids name so that Security can menace him for me.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2008-07-20 09:59 pm
Entry tags:

[now i try again to] :: FIND :: [the thing that is my] :: MIND ::

 I cant even sit in my own god damn living room.

I need to talk to her. I need to speak to her on the phone and get all of this off my chest. 

Its what I did last night to Will. I asked to speak with her, he hung up, and I let it all out. Everything. Every feeling, every fear. Not every way to say it. That would have been too cruel. But everything I've got, I gave it all. He listened, and I'm thankful for that. It really does mean a lot to me. Despite that, I still need to talk to her. He says that its just sex now. Its just physical. He has no emotional connection with me. He says he knows its unfair and he's sorry.

I've just been told that the best way to fall out of love with someone is to fall in love with someone else. I'll always love him, but I cant wait for my next love. Love doesnt happen just once. Never.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2008-07-03 04:27 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

I have one true fear.

Yes, I am uncomfortable with water. Yes, subways distress me a bit. Yes, planes bother me.

But one true fear.

That I'll mean nothing to someone who means everything to me.

I just had a small break down at Will. I love him so much. He makes me so happy. But Laurel causes me so much pain. There are parts of me that wish I had never been friends with her. Maybe then I would still have the one I love. All I have are ghosts of him. Lost moments of memories. Last night, I watched a horror movie with him. I slept on the chair beside the couch because I was having nightmares. The only thing that could drive the nightmares away were thoughts of him and me, together.

How fucking sad is that. She's wrecked me. I showed her more compassion, love, and comraderie than I've ever showed anyone else and she fucking wrecked me.

I wish they hadnt lied. Remember, Will, when you said that you'd have neither of us if you couldnt have both of us. I guess you sorta have both of us now. Remember, Laurel, when you told me that you'd step down. Fuck, I asked you to and you said you would. 

The fact that I still feel some love from Will to myself is the only thing that keeps me from a total meltdown. I've come close, but I can always hold myself together.

I've learned some things, though. I know never to mix my friends with my relationships. If I had just left Laurel behind, I might still be dating Will. 

Sometimes it feels as if Will is the last person who will ever love me. It feels like I had one shot, and that was it. And my mind alternates between telling me that it was my fault, and it was their fault. The rational part of me tells me we all fucked up.

I'm having a hard time blaming him. I've got no problems blaming her though. Will said, the other day, he wanted Laurel and I to be friends again. I'm not closed off to the option that we might be friends. But it'll never be like it was. She fucked with my trust far too badly for me to ever be able to accept all of her, unconditionally, again.

There is a part of me that I hide. For all my bitchy, snarky, assholish ways, there is a part of me far worse. A sort of beast of malicious intent, curled up in the depths of who I am. And this part of me does nothing but whisper horrible things to me. All it wants to do is make her hurt as she has hurt me.

Funny thing is, I dont even feel that angry. I feel sadness, I feel that my heart is slowly starting to mend. I feel disappointed, mostly, that someone I put so much faith and trust in would betray me so easily. I'm disappointed in her actions, but I know that there is nothing I can do about it. She's lost to me now. I feel lonely. I feel as though all the pretty words and fleeting touches are the winds of the past, and I'm standing alone in a dark, dark place. But the darkness has always been a comfort to me. Because it is in these times of darkness that I can regather. Build up my walls that I tore down for the sake of human contact.

I need to be cold again. At least for a little while.

maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2008-06-27 03:48 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

I've had my period for two weeks now. I'm under so much physical stress from this bullshit. Can it not end? Do I have to be continually subjected to this torment? I just want to be okay again. I'm just getting over it all, but my body refuses to heal.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2008-04-27 12:06 pm
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Yeah? Well you're short.

 I hate Napoleon Bonaparte so hard. You do not even know.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2008-04-26 04:34 pm
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(no subject)

 When I die I am going to fucking kick the tooth fairy's ass.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2008-04-24 08:30 pm
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(no subject)

 -headdesk-

At least one of these French Revolution losers is cool.

Mary Wollstonecraft, I want to have your babies. But not the one. 

She gave birth to Mary Shelley. You know the one. The Frankenstein one. Yeah.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2008-04-24 06:34 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

 So I've just begun to write a four page thematic essay on the French Revolution. Guhbuh.

I have all the information. I have everything I need. Except one thing.

Sources.

FUCK YOU WIKIPEDIA. FUCK YOU IN THE FUCKING EAR.

Jesus H Murphy Christ. All I'm asking for is for you to fucking source your fucking shit. But Noooooooooooooo. You dumb fucking wiki-ites need to make this hard on me. So guess what. I'm just going to source this fucking bitches book. I AM SOURCING A BOOK THAT HAS BEEN OUT FOR 318 YEARS. YES. THAT IS RIGHT.

I AM GOING TO FUCKING CRASH AND BURN AND FAIL BECAUSE WIKI-FUCKING-PEDIA DOESNT SOURCE ITS FUCKING SHIT.

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

>.>

Fuck you, Edmund Burke.
maxasaurusrex: (Default)
2008-04-14 12:00 pm
Entry tags:

(no subject)

So. Proxies on school computers.

Rock.