WIDE AWAKE

I have one true fear.

Yes, I am uncomfortable with water. Yes, subways distress me a bit. Yes, planes bother me.

But one true fear.

That I'll mean nothing to someone who means everything to me.

I just had a small break down at Will. I love him so much. He makes me so happy. But Laurel causes me so much pain. There are parts of me that wish I had never been friends with her. Maybe then I would still have the one I love. All I have are ghosts of him. Lost moments of memories. Last night, I watched a horror movie with him. I slept on the chair beside the couch because I was having nightmares. The only thing that could drive the nightmares away were thoughts of him and me, together.

How fucking sad is that. She's wrecked me. I showed her more compassion, love, and comraderie than I've ever showed anyone else and she fucking wrecked me.

I wish they hadnt lied. Remember, Will, when you said that you'd have neither of us if you couldnt have both of us. I guess you sorta have both of us now. Remember, Laurel, when you told me that you'd step down. Fuck, I asked you to and you said you would. 

The fact that I still feel some love from Will to myself is the only thing that keeps me from a total meltdown. I've come close, but I can always hold myself together.

I've learned some things, though. I know never to mix my friends with my relationships. If I had just left Laurel behind, I might still be dating Will. 

Sometimes it feels as if Will is the last person who will ever love me. It feels like I had one shot, and that was it. And my mind alternates between telling me that it was my fault, and it was their fault. The rational part of me tells me we all fucked up.

I'm having a hard time blaming him. I've got no problems blaming her though. Will said, the other day, he wanted Laurel and I to be friends again. I'm not closed off to the option that we might be friends. But it'll never be like it was. She fucked with my trust far too badly for me to ever be able to accept all of her, unconditionally, again.

There is a part of me that I hide. For all my bitchy, snarky, assholish ways, there is a part of me far worse. A sort of beast of malicious intent, curled up in the depths of who I am. And this part of me does nothing but whisper horrible things to me. All it wants to do is make her hurt as she has hurt me.

Funny thing is, I dont even feel that angry. I feel sadness, I feel that my heart is slowly starting to mend. I feel disappointed, mostly, that someone I put so much faith and trust in would betray me so easily. I'm disappointed in her actions, but I know that there is nothing I can do about it. She's lost to me now. I feel lonely. I feel as though all the pretty words and fleeting touches are the winds of the past, and I'm standing alone in a dark, dark place. But the darkness has always been a comfort to me. Because it is in these times of darkness that I can regather. Build up my walls that I tore down for the sake of human contact.

I need to be cold again. At least for a little while.