(no subject)

I come in three moods these days.

Sad, Angry and Sick.

Sometimes, I am unconsolable. Ihate myself for what I screwed up, because as it was, Laurel was the catalyst and I was the cause. I just wasnt good enough. Couldnt do anything right. All I ever did was push him further away and when he was close, I just couldnt be the girl he wanted.

When I'm not sad, I'm angry. I feel viciously betrayed and I want to lash out. I want to make one or both of them feel how hurt I am. I fucking loved him. He was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I lost him. And for what? For my best friends fucking crush on him? Why didnt she come to ME first? I thought I was her best friend. Tell me and then we'll see what can happen. Dotn go straight to him. Dont fuck MY relationship over. Every person my mother tells about the situation says that there is no excuse for what they did, and I just get so angry.

All I wanted last night was to hang out with my friends. But no. He cant talk to her when I'm around. Great. Thanks for talking about me behind my back. I feel loved.

If they get together, in any way, I ant be their friend anymore. I simply cannot. And its not out of any malicious intent, its just that I couldnt possibly take it. It would be too big a blow to my heart. Will can live in my house for as long as he feels he needs to, but I wont see Laurel, and I wont hang out with him.

When I'm not sad or angry, I'm sick. Fuck, Even when I'm sad or angry, I'm sick. I have constant chest pains from the panic attacks, and I have constant back pains from hunching over in tears. I havent eaten much since they told me. I feel constantly like my body is rejecting ehatever is inside of it. My head hurts from sobbing and my eyes hurt from tears. Not that I have many left. I'm finding it physically painful to cry. I cant sleep for the bad dreams and the pain, and its hard to stay awake for knowing that they're off together, having fun, harbouring feelings.

I think they're lying a little when they say that they have my happiness in mind. Because if they did, they wouldnt go off to Laurels for 7 hours to watch movies while I sit at home and cry till I have to escape to my sisters house without telling them.

I FEEL FUCKING BETRAYED. WHY DO YOU HAVE TO FUCKING CLING TO EACHOTEHR SO AND GIVE SUCH EXCUSES FOR ME NOT TO BE THERE!? DONT SEND ME HOME SICK WHEN I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU. DONT GUILT ME INTO LEAVING BECAUSE YOU WANT TO TALK. DO YOU NOT SEE HOW YOUR JUST KILLING ME?

I'm handling this as calmly as I can. I will not yell at them. I will not guilt them. I will not make them pity me. But god, I just want them to stop being together just for a little while. I just want to feel as though I'm not a fucking inconvenience on their little muted love story. Yeah, sorry about being dumped. Just go on and get together. Its okay. Not like I loved him or anything. Not like my world revolved around him or anything.