[fully] :: ALIVE ::

I've taken a big step towards getting better. Its the first major step. Untill now I'm been stumbling around, not sure how to progress, unable to go back. All my pain and anger, I cant bottle it, but I cant exude it and let it control me. This journal has been helpful. It is a place where I can get what I need out.

Today and yesterday, I deleted Laurel from all my contact lists. This finalizes it. Friendslist are for friends. She is not, she is not on my contact list. I have many things to say to her, some calm, some hysterical, some angry, some downright cruel. But I shall refrain. Because at the end of the day, all I can do is move on.

Yes, Will meant and means the world to me. Apparently I meant less to him. It cant be helped. I still dont understand what made Laurels happiness more important than mine. I dont understand why she couldnt have at least tried to find a way around hte situation that wouldnt have damaged me so much. I would have liked to keep her friendship. Clearly it just didnt mean that much to her.

But there remains nothing I can do.

I have had sex with Will multiple times since he and Laurel started dating. That is a fact, and one I cannot dispute. To me, Sex with Will is giving him everything I have. It is my way of saying 'This is everything that I am, and this is everything that I've got. Take me as I am.' But I do realize that not everyone shares these ideas. I do realize that sex is just sex to a very large portion. I can even realize that I will probably have sex with someone just to have sex with them.

He will always mean so much to me. But I need to move foreward. For whatever reason, both him and her turned their backs on me in their own way. They've abandoned me, and I will not spend all my time in despair over it.

I will be okay.