[i know its easy to] :: PRETEND ::

Its half past nothing in the morning and goddess, its like coming home.

I remember nights, so so long ago, they resonate in me. Music thumping softly, cup after cup of tea, static crackling in the night. Hyper-awareness, hear every sound in the night. Spent hours listening to my own typing, pushed my hand through my hair so many times, stared out the window, climbed onto the roof, dozen, woke with the rain.

In a sense, I miss that faraway life. But there is too much distance between them and I, and I wouldnt give up this thing that I have now for the world. Because every one of those nights is comparative to a night where I sat on the couch and waited for him to come home. And every sun rise I watched hours after watching that same sun set was like waking after a night of quiet love making that was only ever love on my side.

The life I lead now is so many things, both good and bad. And I could never give it up. Maybe Im not living up to anyones expectations. Im going to school to waste time, working a job for minimum wage, and you know, thats okay. Because who said I had to be somebody? Im not really anybody, and I wouldnt change that for the world.

(no subject)

Write a letter to someone that has hurt you in your past.
It can be any one.


Dear You, wherever you are and whoever you're with.

I want to know why you did it. I want to know what I did that was so horrible that I deserved to be treated that way.

I want to know why you took my heart, you held it in your hands, you smiled, and you dropped it. I want to know why you destroyed me. I want to know when you decided that you loved my best friend more than you loved me. I want to know when you decided that you could take advantage of me.

I want to know when it was okay to treat me like that.

I want to know why you used me. Why you left me. And why you continued to fuck the hope out of me.

I want to know why Im not okay. Why my chest hurts when I think of loving again. Why I dont want to even consider being with anyone.

I want to know why I suddenly cant look at myself in the mirror. I want to know why nothing I do is good enough for myself.

I want to know why sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I want to know why I'll never be okay ever again.

I know you werent much, and I know you werent worth it. But I cant love any other way than with my everything, and now I cant love at all.

You are the one thing I wish I could undo. I want to unknow you and undo the damage you did.

I want to thank you for my misery. And maybe someday I'll figure out what I did to deserve this.

Sincerely,
Fuck number 25 and relationship number six-ish.
---

Dear Dad.

The only good thing that will ever come of you being alive is that it's a little dramatic when I say my dad is a drug dealer. Im sure the publisher will love it.

Go die and see how much THAT costs you.

Sincerely.
The deep end of your lousy genepool.

P.S. If your lousy government job only gives you one week of vacation time over the course of three years, maybe you should learn to lie better.
---

Dear Cunt.

If I ever see you again I will destroy you.

Sincerely,
The source of your apparent happiness.