(no subject)

I feel completely and utterly sub human.

Im seventeen and I feel as though my life has just dragged on and on. I have an internal clock thats been counting down for years and years, and it feels like its getting closer and closer to zero, but it keeps slowing slowing slowing.

I want to be over this hurt. I want to be over this pain. I want to have faith again. I want to trust again. I dont want to spend every night crawling out of my skin because the ones I cared for betrayed me and are somewhere, happy. I dont want to constnatly constantly constantly know that she's getting a sick version of the life I was planning.

With them went a version of life that I had been looking forewards to. And now what do I have? Nothing. I have nothing. Im not even certain I have myself.

I need people to stop telling me that feelings like this is entirely on me. I dont care if it is or not, but seriously guys. Do you think telling me that its my fault that I feel this way? That doesnt help. I dont want to be told that its entirely within my power to NOT feel like the worlds sickest throwback.

I feel choked. I feel as though I cant say a word anymore. All I'll hear is the words people are using to hide the fact they dont want to hear me anymore. Yes, its been a long process. But it doesnt help that I keep getting set back. Every time I get ahead, something happens and I get set back weeks, months in progress.

I want to stop hurting. I want to numb out, switch off. Spend time in my room, sleeping. I never want to have to leave or wake up. There is less and less to motivate me every day. So Im going to get up and spend another day being an emotional cripple who cant even hold onto her friends anymore. I cant even make them, Im so god damn impaired.

I try and I try to make friends and it doesnt happen. And no matter how many fucking school clubs or whatnot that I go to, its not going to change the fact that clearly I'm just unlikable in every god damn way.

I feel a foreign aggression building inside of me. I just want to go out and get into a fistfight, or seek Laurel out and crush her face with my god damn hands. And Im sure its not healthy for this that or the other thought that Im having, but hey, why dont we just put me on some more medication. It fucking worked last time, didnt it. Numb out.

Im torn when it comes to Will. I wish I could be friends with him. I still love him. but I love him how I knew him, which may or may not have been entirely a delusion on my part. Not for who he is now. I want Mom to maybe one day pick me over him. Yes, she has been a great help to me as of late, but still. I get this nagging feeling that Im second to him because he's the son with no strings attatched. She tells me "Oh, he's moving out THISWEEK." I dont care! I. DO. NOT. FUCKING. CARE. He should have moved out circa July! And she ays "Oh, we made an arrangement when he moved in." Who the fuck cares about the god damn arrangement?

Deal was, once he started being nasty, he would be out. Doesnt get much nastier than dumping me for my best friend, does it?

And now I have so many insecurities about myself that he just fed me after we broke up. Bad at kissing, bad at sex, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not friendly enough. And Im not going to put myself in that position again. I would love to be in a relationship, but I get the feeling that I'll be comparing them to Will after this. And that asides, I'll always be so self concious about myself. I dont want to open myself up to this again. I dont want to inflict myself on anyone. Not that anyone would ever like me in such a sense. Im not sure Will even did in the first place. Always the friend, never the girlfriend.

Even then, My friends are abandoning me left right and center. The other day, regarding someone I regard as one of my closer friends, my exact words were "Maybe if I message her and close the window, she'll message me back and I can pretend she really wants to talk to me." Another friend is flat out ignoring me and has been doing so for some time.

Great.

I dont even want to put foreward an effort anymore. Why should I? I drag myself up every god damn morning, make myself look presentable, and crawl through the glass again and again. I go through the day just to be disrespected and ignored, to break down and cry, to put myself through hours of classes I dont want to take, and to have nothing to turn to. I've lost my passion in everything. I cant even sit down and watch a full movie, play a video game for more than an hour, I cant bike, I cant eat. I can read. Thats all. I read a lot.

My thoughts go to such dark places these days, and I can struggle and pull and pull at them, but nothing seems to work. I just want to feel better, and I try and try, but for every step I take towards the light, I get pulled further into the dark. I just want all this to stop. I want to stop being so god damn broken. I want to feel like a worthwhile human being again. Fuck, just feeling like a human would be nice.