(no subject)

[maxasaurusrex]

This is an assignment I did for grade 12 drama. The assignment was to tell what our life has been so far and then predict it until the age of 64. I was very uncomfortable with actually telling people some of the shit I've been through, so I made it all fantastical and memorized it all, and it was great fun, except that no one in the class really appreciated it. The teacher thought it was great. This is really, really lulzy. You should read it.

 

Birth to Sixty-Four

Birth
My birth, at least from my perspective, was quite uneventful. This could be due to the fact that babies are hardly sentient. I have been told, however, that it was a horrible ordeal involving three aliens, one zombie doctor and fountains of mountain dew. This distresses me due to the fact that Mountain Dew is amazing and I miss it so.

0-5
The first five years of my life continue to be an addled mess of lulz and lazers. I do recall, however, finding Bigfoot in my garage. He was using the belt sander. There may or may not have been an occasion where I fought off seventeen mutant reindeer, using nothing but my favourite blanket and some portal gun I found. There may or may not have been an occasion where I discovered the lost city Atlantis. But that could have just been my first trip to Brockville. In retrospect, Atlantis couldn’t be that boring. There may or may not have been an occasion where I stopped an alien invasion of mutant hot dogs by tricking them into believing that the “way to [our] leader” was through my bonfire.

5-10
From age five to ten, there was an overabundance in explosions and power outages. These things, to the best of my knowledge, are NOT mutually exclusive. At age six, I developed a crippling medical condition that granted me the ability to shoot lazers out of my mouth. This led to DR OCTAGONAPUS BLEAARG. During this time, my absolute inability to have any imagination flourished, and I proceeded to insist that Superman was my imaginary friend. During this point in time, I began to develop canine characteristic. And to this day, whenever I see a squirrel, I chase the little bugger until it has an aneurysm. –leer-

10-15
Age ten to fifteen is when shit started to go down. My parents, known only to me as Moot and Snacks, Went through a hideously traumatizing breakup, whereupon we moved to Kingston. During this time, a French man named Pierre lived in our basement. I didn’t like him. He stole my shit. After thwarting a plot by hideous mole-people to take over the city, Moot and myself moved to the lovely country of Quebec. This strange land offered a chance for me to train with the Pirate Ninja Polar Bears of local lore. After obliterating the legion of super powered beavers at age 13, we moved back to Canada to a small, horrible town of suck and fail, populated by zombies and lobotomy patients.

15-20
The following five years were boring. Boring a lot. Well. The next two were. The following three were okay. I went from one school of suck and fail to a different school of epic lulz and amazing. I cant remember the name though. Thousand Islands Technical School, mayhaps? Eye Dee Kay. Not important. At age 18, I moved back to Kingston, and proceeded to take over the world. However due to magical fungi from the moon, the memories of everyone were erased promptly.

20-25
Between the ages of 20 and 25, I rose in the ranks of Aestheticians and raised an army of Pirate Ninja Polar Bear Women, who, by my command, enslaved every small country that no one knows about, including but not limited to Latvia, Croatia and Djibouti. Other than that, it was a fairly uneventful half-decade.

25-30
The other half, however, was filled with magical cleaning supplies and demonic surgical sponges.

30-35
When I was 32, I discovered the graviton in my shower. This discovery led to my indoctrination into Ludis Mentis, a group headed by Brian Greene and other String Theorists. Soon after, I took over the group and developed a race of robotic Polar Bears to do my bidding. A few years later I used my two amazing armies of epic win to fight off an army of zombies.

35-40
Between 35 and 40, a couple pals and myself built a spaceship out of the moon and proceeded to fly it into mars. Due to the presence of magical space glue, the two masses fused into one super spaceship. Using this, I began a quest to take over space. Because what the hell else are you going to do with a giant space ship planet thing? Anyways, Despite my past with aliens and zombies, I was unprepared for Alien-Zombies, and they shanghaied my ship, stranding me on a strange planet, whose inhabitants gauged their hierarchy on height. Being amazingly tall, I took that one over post haste, so my exile was short lived.

40-45
the following five years were dedicated to my finding my way back to Earth, which, in my absence, had fallen into post-apocalyptica. That sucked a bit. So with the help of everyone who wasn’t rabidly depressed, I made a new economy based upon sea-shells. 

45-50
At age 45, I was accidentally put into a stasis that lasted Ten years.

50-55
-still in stasis-

55-60
Upon waking, I found that the world had turned itself into a utopia and there was little use for my amazing skills. I located to a nice flat in Latvia to write fictional novels about a high school girl who bullshitted a monologue for her Drama class.

60-64
Soon becoming bored in my small country that everyone thinks I made up, I began tinkering with science again. Several years of sciencing only led to the creation of Dog-Tigers and a psychic flamingo. The day before I turned 64, however, I entered into a Time Paradox, whereupon I found my birth, at least from my perspective, was quite uneventful. This could be due to the fact that babies are hardly sentient. I have been told, however, that it was a horrible ordeal involving three aliens, one zombie doctor and fountains of mountain dew. This distresses me due to the fact that Mountain Dew is amazing and I miss it so.

 

Comments

[igrab.livejournal.com]

That is pretty much the most amazing thing I've ever read. Kudos to you. XD

[citiesfalling.livejournal.com]

I threw in like, ten 4chan jokes and half a dozen Invader Zim references. And I shouted half of it, and walked around the stage miming lazer blasts. And like, NO ONE GOT IT OMG. I WAS SO SAD.

[igrab.livejournal.com]

that is SO SAD. I would have DIED.

of course, there's a high schance we would've been bffs if i was in your drama class. so. lol.

[citiesfalling.livejournal.com]

I would have BFFed you so hard. You dont even know.

In that class, I went on to write a draft play involving Neil Armstrong accidentally going out for a drink on the day he was supposed to be landing on the moon. We had audio clips and everything of the dood we got to play Neil saying the iconic lines. And no one got that it was all about how the first moon landing was faked. LAME CLASSMATES WERE LAME.

[igrab.livejournal.com]

LAMEASS.

In my Shakespeare class my teacher used to use my tests to grade everyone else's tests. And me and Abby talked about slash fiction, and how Posthumous and whatshisname really needed to get it on. And I took naps in the choir room when I should've been in French class. |D

[citiesfalling.livejournal.com]

I used to watch movies in the Drama office instead of going to Sociology or History. But I always did my homework, so when I got my report card and it said 64 missed classes and a 87% average, my mum kinda went "o_o" and I went "But at least I can play blackjack now!"

Man. We so would have been friends in highschool.