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I cant even describe how I feel. Nothing I write will do it justice.
Its like standing in the middle of a huge room, and the entire floor is slanted downwards slightly from the middle, and everything you have is slowly sliding down that slope, and the more you try to hold on to, the more you lose, and you can see some of the things you hold so fucking dear to your heart slowly disappear from your view, and if you go after it, you're sure you'll never find the centre of the room again.
I feel as though I cant hold myself together any more. Its a car crash in slow motion, and I just cant stop it. Everything is slipping away. Everythign I've been trying to build up since I got here. Im building a house of cards in a wind tunnel here. I feel absolutely helpless if I dont feel absolutely void. I want to cry or laugh hysterically, or go somewhere and scream.
I feel absolutely alone, and Im going to prolong that feeling untill its normal again. I made it a very long time by myself. I can do it again. Yeah, I'd like friends. Yeah, I'd like to be in a relationship. But really? What does it entail? Any of it? The amount of friends who havent hurt me can be counted on the number of extremities on my face. And relationships? I'd rather be lonely than miserable. So beyond the entire song and dance that is finding a person you might like, theres the whole flirting stage. Very little is overtly said, even though everyone involved knows you should be together. A "Talk" ensues, or maybe a make-out session, then, Viola! Relationship. Good stuff. Its great at the start. All passionate sex and cuddly-wuddly. Then fights start to happen, and jelousy and insecurities come into play, and honestly, who needs it? By the time you get over said insecurities, you're either both frosty to lukewarm or completely delusional.
Or maybe Im wrong. Hell only knows I've been wrong before. In fact, there are seldom times when I'm NOT wrong. Im getting into a bit of a hysterical rant here, and isnt this funny. Its like I've gotten absolutely dick nowhere in the last two months. all this progression, fuck it. I feel like bashing my face off something very very solid. I want to drop out of school, take the remains of my money and flee the fucking country. Take off and never come back. Fade out of everyones memory and just be something else entirely.
Its like standing in the middle of a huge room, and the entire floor is slanted downwards slightly from the middle, and everything you have is slowly sliding down that slope, and the more you try to hold on to, the more you lose, and you can see some of the things you hold so fucking dear to your heart slowly disappear from your view, and if you go after it, you're sure you'll never find the centre of the room again.
I feel as though I cant hold myself together any more. Its a car crash in slow motion, and I just cant stop it. Everything is slipping away. Everythign I've been trying to build up since I got here. Im building a house of cards in a wind tunnel here. I feel absolutely helpless if I dont feel absolutely void. I want to cry or laugh hysterically, or go somewhere and scream.
I feel absolutely alone, and Im going to prolong that feeling untill its normal again. I made it a very long time by myself. I can do it again. Yeah, I'd like friends. Yeah, I'd like to be in a relationship. But really? What does it entail? Any of it? The amount of friends who havent hurt me can be counted on the number of extremities on my face. And relationships? I'd rather be lonely than miserable. So beyond the entire song and dance that is finding a person you might like, theres the whole flirting stage. Very little is overtly said, even though everyone involved knows you should be together. A "Talk" ensues, or maybe a make-out session, then, Viola! Relationship. Good stuff. Its great at the start. All passionate sex and cuddly-wuddly. Then fights start to happen, and jelousy and insecurities come into play, and honestly, who needs it? By the time you get over said insecurities, you're either both frosty to lukewarm or completely delusional.
Or maybe Im wrong. Hell only knows I've been wrong before. In fact, there are seldom times when I'm NOT wrong. Im getting into a bit of a hysterical rant here, and isnt this funny. Its like I've gotten absolutely dick nowhere in the last two months. all this progression, fuck it. I feel like bashing my face off something very very solid. I want to drop out of school, take the remains of my money and flee the fucking country. Take off and never come back. Fade out of everyones memory and just be something else entirely.